Wednesday, May 3, 2017

From New York, with hope

It's been forever since I last updated this blog. A lot has happened to me since then, but to sum it up in a line, it would be, "Hello from New York!"

Yes, I'm in New York now, fumbling as I make my way around this City. It's been an extremely challenging few months for me. There's been a lot of changes and I know I have a lot to update everyone on but I feel like the whole time I've been here, I've also been detached from everyone else who's not here with me.

It's been a constant struggle everyday and to deal with things, I resorted to focusing on myself and my troubles. For the past two and a half months, I've been dealing with depression and anxiety, the kind I've never experienced before. It's weird because I've dealt with a lot of pain and challenges since childhood but something about here and now that breaks me. I am overwhelmed with everything and it's a mixture of homesickness, sadness, panic, and just an overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

I know there are so many beautiful things that can happen to me. I'm in New York! The city of opportunity! And yet I know that New York also has the ability to break me.

It's only been a few months and I know there's still so much that can happen to me. And I want to give it a chance-- really want to give it a chance. To give this place a chance to grow on me and help me mature.

It is taking a lot of courage from me, courage I never even thought I'd ever have to muster. I don't really know how to move forward, I feel like I'm stuck in a limbo and I don't know where to go from here.

In all of these, my faith is tested. It's been a while since I last clung to God like this and in a way, it makes me feel grateful-- grateful for the chance to get to know Him again; to test my faith in a way I never thought I'd be tested. But at the same time, I feel frustrated that I feel like I've been thrown in the water again without any prospect of being saved. I want to keep clinging on despite everything. People keep reminding me to live everyday, one at a time. To take each day and survive it. To just keep moving forward believing that one day things will eventually become better.

New York, please be nicer to me.
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